Thirty days hath September, April, June and November, but only September hath 31 GAMES scheduled for YOUR beloved Red Sox... Yep, it's Cap'n Crunch time, so GET
READY !!!

I'm writing this ON LOCATION in the Australian Outback where I'm participating in the Survivor Series #2. Since I've signed a contract that doesn't allow me to relay to y'all if I'm "winning" or not, I'll leave it up to your own
imaginations. I can tell you, however, that I did sleep with the best looking woman over here, walked around naked more than Richard Hatch, and have been
dubbed the Sybil (aka Susan) of the Outback. If you don't believe I'm a contestant, I can send you a copy of my audition tape that shows me singing "Take me out to the Ballgame" with my body TOTALLY painted in Red Sox colors (refer to the first verse below)...


The satellite feeds I've gotten over here have been a little fuzzy, but I understand Framingham's own SWEET LOU Merloni is back. Last I heard, he was dining on sushi over in Japan. Speaking of Japanese, Ohka is one of my favorite veggies not to mention a valuable starter down the stretch.

On September 1 the Sox will be able to expand their rosters to 40 players. They will bring up more ARMS than the Soviets had during the Cold War. Looks like Ramon's health could mean Tim's WAKE, but there won't be a funeral because we need Wakefield for the multiple doubleheaders scheduled in the coming month.  Paxton Crawford should get a shot, assuming he's recovered from falling on a glass while falling out of bed- how is that possible WITHOUT being drunk ???  Maybe Schourek will get another chance. Maybe Fassero won't keep getting a
quick hook. Maybe Arrojo will change his name so you don't sound like an idiot when you TRY to pronounce it. Sorry Brett, it ain't happening for you this year.

As you can tell, the only NON-MAYBE is Pedro. If the Bible says it's a sin for a man to love another man, I'm in deep trouble. I LOVE PEDRO. It's more than just his talent, his chutzpah, or even his change-up. It's that cute little moustache of his...

Some people say that my other flame, Nomie, has been in a bit of a slump lately.  He's "tailed off" to a mere .370+. That's like saying Anna Kournikova's in a slump when she's really just between (figuratively) hockey players. (Sorry, but I can't ever write this bs without mentioning her at least once- by the way, the Williams sisters and Martina Hingis aren't bad either, but enough about women's tennis)...

It's good to see Troy O'Leary has finally got his GROOVE back, well at least a little. Yummy will come through down the stretch and into the postseason. The Belleville Basher himself, Dawber Daubach, inspires me so much that I may go back to wearing black mascara underneath BOTH of my eyes. (If I'm scaring you with some of these comments... I should be.) A case of the Trots wouldn't hurt the Sox either from here on in, as he's another guy that plays the game with a linebacker's mentality.

So, do I think they'll make the playoffs ??? Let me just tell you that when my butler pours my half-cup of tea every afternoon, I don't ask him to pour it half-empty. It's always half-FULL no matter which way you look at it. Sure, I'm not happy with the way Duquette has pretended to be like George Costanza on Seinfeld by doing the OPPOSITE of Georgie Peorgie Steinbrenner (The Yankees got Justice, Neagle, Glenallen Hill, Canseco etc. while the Sox got Arrojo, Gilkey, Lansing, and my favorite sandwich meat B-R-O-G-N-A). Nor do I necessarily like the way Williams treats the media, his team, or his favorite aunt. But I do, nonetheless, BELIEVE !!!

Take me out to the ballgame
Take me out when it's dark
Buy me six dogs and some beers
After a few I have nothing to fears...

See y'all when I get back from Down Under !!!

You can email Jack at jacksox@walpole.org